The problem with soul searching…….

is that at some point you have to make a decision. You have to choose a course to take, and take it without knowing the outcome. You have to have faith that you’ve done your best to consider every consequence and know that, if you’ve made the wrong choice, you can make a course correction and choose again.

So we did it. We jumped in with both feet and made a decision. Maybe not at the most convenient of times, but life is rarely convenient. Shortly after Hope was born, we decided it was okay to move on. And not just okay,….necessary. Because BAMC feels very safe. And comfortable. But that’s not where we want to be forever. In that bubble of understanding that Ryan is a “wounded warrior”. Where your injury defines you and others’ expectations of you. We wanted to choose our life, not have it thrust upon us by accident. And even if we are choosing wrongly, it’s our choice.

On August 31^st, we drove away from San Antonio. With four kids, a dog, and a U-haul trailer bound for San Diego. Oh, and a plan. We do have a plan. Ryan is flying again. He started in San Antonio in July and has continued here in San Diego. He’s been out of the cockpit for over 3 years, so he has some catching up to do. Unfortunately, the VA can’t pay for his training because it is not a degree seeking program. So we reached out to an organization for assistance. It wasn’t easy for us to ask for help, but there was no other way.

Thankfully, Hope for the Warriors made it easy. Actually, they made it better than easy. They made granting our request a gift beyond our expectations. When we asked them for help to pay for Ryan’s flight training, we didn’t expect that they could cover everything. It was a hefty request. And while their Warrior’s Wish program is designed to empower a life beyond recovery, our request was not like any of the others that we’d seen. But not only did they agree to pay for all of his training, they sent someone very special to deliver the news in person. Master Gunnery Sergeant Greg Staggs was with Ryan the night he was injured. He was one of the heroes that helped save Ryan’s life. And when he and his wife showed up in Texas to tell us what Hope for the Warriors was willing to do for us, Ryan was speechless and I was in tears. It meant so much to us that they granted our wish in such a special way. It was a vote of confidence in Ryan and in our future.

So here we are. Terrified and excited at the same time. Buoyed by the prayers and support of so many, but required to do it on our own. We may find that this isn’t the right choice for us. But we’ll never look back and wonder what if.

Oh happy day....

While everyone else in America celebrates Independence Day, Ryan and I celebrate our anniversary. This year it was our sixth anniversary. It seems like our wedding day was not that long ago, but yet it feels like we've been together forever.

We didn't make a really big deal out of our anniversary this year because we were still busy celebrating another special event......

the birth of our baby girl!

Hope Davis Voltin

Born June 30, 2010

10:34 am

7 lbs 1 oz 20 inches

We are all absolutely enchanted by her.

It isn't hard to see why!

Fifteen

"...when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out...

...well count to ten, take it in...

...This is life before you know who you're gonna be...

...Fifteen."

Backyard Summer Fun

How we beat the Texas heat...

Did you know?

Did you know that we spent New Year's at Disneyland with Ryan's sister, brother-in-law, and nieces?

Did you know that this year the Vail Veterans Program expanded to include families and we brought our kids to Vail to ski and play in the snow?

Did you know that sometimes you just gotta saddle up for Cowboy Breakfast at the child development center?

Did you know that some giraffes like to eat cookies?

Did you know that a girls only weekend with your best friend might have to become an annual tradition?

Did you know that you should always ask the vendor how much it costs to purchase two swirly light up wands at Disney on Ice? (Really. You should ask before you tell the kids yes.)

Did you know that it's hard to get three kids looking the same direction with smiles on Easter Sunday?

Did you know that Jaida received the sacrament of confirmation this year?

Did you know that Ryan got his prosthetic ears and they look so real that I forget they're fake?

Did you know that Ryan and I were invited to the Wounded Warrior Project's Courage Awards and benefit dinner in NYC? Both Trace Adkins and Bill O'Reilly received awards and we got to attend a taping of the O'Reilly Factor.

Did you know that Jaida attended her first formal dance this year and I think I had as much fun as she did picking out her outfit?

Did you know that Maya completed her Strong Beginnings Pre-K program and the graduation was almost too cute for words?

Did you know this is my attempt at catching you up on the main events of the last six months? We've been busy. It was this or nothing.

Agel cares

Ryan and I were interviewed last year by Agel. This is the video they produced.

Baby report

Warning: The post you are about to read contains the words placenta and uterine. If you feel this is TMI, do not continue reading!

Even though we haven't mentioned it in awhile, we really are having a baby. And we really are excited about it. Although many people wouldn't plan on having a fourth baby (certainly not a 4th c-section), we did. But we do plan on it being our last. As much as we love children and love having children, this is it for us. And while this pregnancy has been really good, it has had just enough worries that we are certain it's time for us to stop.

One major concern we had was the position of my placenta. It is low lying and anterior. For most people that is not a big deal, but because I've had 3 c-sections there were some added risks. One risk is that of placenta accreta, where the placenta attaches too deeply to the uterine wall. This can lead to lots of complications including premature delivery, hemorrhaging, and hysterectomy. The other thing we were worried about was the possibility of having to cut through the placenta to delivery the baby. Thankfully, at 28 weeks, an ultrasound confirmed that my placenta had moved up enough that it should no longer overlap my previous c-section scars and we are no longer concerned about those risks.

At present we are worried about my platelets. Apparently they are low. From what my doctor tells me, normal is about 150, dangerous is about 50, and at my last blood draw I was at 130. We are now monitoring my platelets every few weeks to see if they are dropping and how fast. If they continue to drop below what the anesthesiologist feels is safe (maybe around 100), I won't be able to have an epidural for my c-section. The risks of having an epidural with low platelets include blood clots in the spinal cord, which could result in paralysis. Not good. So for me that would mean having a baby under general anesthesia. Not ideal. Ryan wouldn't be allowed in the OR for delivery and I would go to sleep pregnant and wake up not pregnant. Weird. Also, because we don't know the sex of the baby, I would probably be the last to know, by the time I woke up from the anesthesia. While this isn't as unpleasant as placenta accreta, it is certainly not what I want. We won't know if I'm having an epidural or general anesthesia until the morning of delivery, currently scheduled for June 30th.

Since there isn't anything we can do about my platelets, other than pray, we needed to come up with a plan that we were both comfortable with in regards to finding out the sex of the baby. We are both kind of old fashioned and don't like to find out until that magical moment when the doctor holds the baby up and says, "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" We waited with our other kids and the moment did not disappoint. But if I am going to be sleeping through it and Ryan will be waiting in the waiting room, the moment seems a little less magical. But we didn't want to find out now, either, and then end up having everything go as planned and then already know what we're having. After much brainstorming, we decided to have a 3D ultrasound and have the technician determine the sex of the baby but not tell us. She printed a picture and sealed it in an envelope. If the morning of the c-section we find out that I have to have general anesthesia, we will ask for some private time together and open the envelope. If my platelets don't drop and we have an epidural, we won't know until they hold that baby up and we can see for ourselves. That's the plan. Ryan hid the envelope (because he doesn't trust me or Jaida) and we both signed the envelope along the seal so we will know if it has been tampered with. This is serious business!

Below are a few pictures to let you see how things are progressing. With less than six weeks to go, I'm feeling pretty good. Starting to get a little more tired, a little more clumsy, and definitely waddling more. But I'm trying to enjoy every moment, relish every kick, and memorize what it feels like to have a child inside of me. I know too well that it goes by too fast and the next six weeks will be over before I know it. I am very excited about meeting this little person, but I can wait. Even the waiting is a blessing.

Ultrasound at 20 weeks

24 weeks pregnant

32 weeks pregnant

Baby in 3D ultrasound at 33 weeks