I know the reasons for my hesitation.
1. I don't want anyone to think we feel sorry for ourselves. That we are unhappy or, even worse: miserable. I don't want to sound like we cannot handle the circumstances we've found ourselves in.
2. There are aspects of injury and recovery that are uncomfortable, embarrassing, and sad. And while there is definitely such a thing as TMI (Too Much Information), who decides where that line is? There are things I find hilarious or interesting now that would probably have been objectionable 3 years ago.
3. Most importantly, since Ryan was first injured I have always done my very best to protect his dignity. Overnight he went from being a strong, independent, capable Marine, to a broken, vulnerable survivor. And while I knew that he would return to the strong, capable man that he is, I was always hesitant to allow anyone to see him at his weakest. I knew that he wouldn't want anyone's pity and I always wanted to give him as much control over his circumstances as I could. In the hospital that meant that if he was having a bad day, I would limit his visitors. Once he was outpatient, we learned to stay home if we didn't feel up to the attention (both positive and negative) that Ryan gets in public. And even now I won't publish this post without asking Ryan to read it first and make sure he's okay with everything I've written.
Sometimes I think that because I haven't shared our lives completely some people may have the impression that our lives are, dare I say it, glamorous??? I mean, sure, there's an occasional surgery in there. But when am I not blogging about us jetting off for some fabulous trip or shaking hands with politicians and celebrities. Right? If you read my blog you may think that all we do is television appearances and extreme sports. I mean, Ryan doesn't even REALLY have a normal job.... So maybe a little more honesty is in order.
Like the fact that after every surgery there is a certain amount of wound care that is necessary. Sometimes it's quick and easy. Other times it's tedious and odious. Right now it is the latter. We are two weeks out from Ryan's last laser procedure and wound care is a terrible, disgusting experience. It is very discouraging for both Ryan and I. It's such a setback when the day before surgery he was out in the yard tossing Jaida a football and jumping on the trampoline with Maya and Noah. And I was sitting back with my feet up while he was making dinner on the grill.... Now we are doing dressing changes and pain management and sanity checks. Ryan can't hold the kids and he can't hold me. He can't even sit on the couch without bleeding on it so he has to sit on a towel or sheet. And it's just sad to have your four-year-old ask you to pray with her before bed, but ask you please not to touch her.
And caregiving is hard. I don't ever like to complain to people who don't understand. Because I don't want you to think that I'm not thankful every moment that my husband is still here. I am. He is a miracle. I know how close I came to losing him and I would rather be a caregiver than a widow any day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for Ryan. I love him more than I can explain and would gladly trade places with him so he wouldn't ever have to suffer. But the truth is caregiving is VERY HARD. There were days that Ryan really wasn't himself and the right amount of pain could make anyone mean. There are days that even when you have nothing left to give, you have to keep giving. There are days that you don't have any idea how you're supposed to do what you are doing. There are days that you want to quit and run away. You give and give and give and give and forget to take care of yourself. And when you do finally take some time for yourself you feel guilty about it and forget that it is absolutely necessary for survival.
We have had some less than happy days around this joint. But we are generally positive people and often don't feel it is necessary to worry others with our "light and momentary troubles" (II Corinthians 4:16-18). We don't leave out the details because we want to appear to be super human or stronger or better than anyone else. We just mostly feel we have so much to be thankful for and we try to focus on that thankfulness.
So, I'm not going to stop blogging about the fun things we do or amazing experiences we have. I'm just going to try to include a little more reality when I'm feeling it, instead of sparing you the ugly details. Why now, you may ask? I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about it for awhile and I've been amazed at others who have so publicly shared their trials. They manage to tell you what they are going through without complaining or seeking pity and you leave feeling encouraged and better prepared to handle your own struggles. There is no mirage of perfection.
So....I AM going to finish my top ten and I have so much to tell you about 2010 so far. Baby updates, medical procedures, and funny things the kids do and say. Also, traveling we've done and television appearances too. This is our life. For better or worse.
