We did it again!

We just can't resist dressing up as a family for Halloween. This year Ryan decided on our theme months in advance. But for some reason, I was still putting together the final pieces before we walked out the door for the Fall Festival. Oi!

Did you spot everyone?

Because Jaida's costume always seems to be just a little harder to call.

(And Huey, not in costume, appears to be retching on the lawn. Lovely.)

Is it a little clearer now? She's Great Shape Barbie.

It might be the last year that she agrees to play our little game. It's getting harder and harder to find a costume she's willing to wear for us and she keeps threatening to "go out on her own".

There's Jessie! Yo-de-le-hee-hoo!

And Buzz in action--to infinity and beyond!

Have you ever seen a cuter alien?

You have saved our lives, we are eternally grateful!

Need a closer look? I thought so.

I couldn't find a costume small enough for Hope, so I had to make it. Looking back, perfectionist that I am, I wish I had made the eyes horizontal ovals, instead of circles....

But Ryan keeps reminding me that she is recognizable and that is the point.

Not to mention, like I said before, I was putting this together the day she was supposed to wear it, so I'm lucky I got anything done at all.

Even though I don't look like the Bo Peep in the movie,

everyone knew who I was.

And Ryan went so far as to shave the sweet retirement goatee he'd been growing since "Woody doesn't have a beard!"

Another Halloween and fun was had by all!

The problem with soul searching…….

is that at some point you have to make a decision. You have to choose a course to take, and take it without knowing the outcome. You have to have faith that you’ve done your best to consider every consequence and know that, if you’ve made the wrong choice, you can make a course correction and choose again.

So we did it. We jumped in with both feet and made a decision. Maybe not at the most convenient of times, but life is rarely convenient. Shortly after Hope was born, we decided it was okay to move on. And not just okay,….necessary. Because BAMC feels very safe. And comfortable. But that’s not where we want to be forever. In that bubble of understanding that Ryan is a “wounded warrior”. Where your injury defines you and others’ expectations of you. We wanted to choose our life, not have it thrust upon us by accident. And even if we are choosing wrongly, it’s our choice.

On August 31^st, we drove away from San Antonio. With four kids, a dog, and a U-haul trailer bound for San Diego. Oh, and a plan. We do have a plan. Ryan is flying again. He started in San Antonio in July and has continued here in San Diego. He’s been out of the cockpit for over 3 years, so he has some catching up to do. Unfortunately, the VA can’t pay for his training because it is not a degree seeking program. So we reached out to an organization for assistance. It wasn’t easy for us to ask for help, but there was no other way.

Thankfully, Hope for the Warriors made it easy. Actually, they made it better than easy. They made granting our request a gift beyond our expectations. When we asked them for help to pay for Ryan’s flight training, we didn’t expect that they could cover everything. It was a hefty request. And while their Warrior’s Wish program is designed to empower a life beyond recovery, our request was not like any of the others that we’d seen. But not only did they agree to pay for all of his training, they sent someone very special to deliver the news in person. Master Gunnery Sergeant Greg Staggs was with Ryan the night he was injured. He was one of the heroes that helped save Ryan’s life. And when he and his wife showed up in Texas to tell us what Hope for the Warriors was willing to do for us, Ryan was speechless and I was in tears. It meant so much to us that they granted our wish in such a special way. It was a vote of confidence in Ryan and in our future.

So here we are. Terrified and excited at the same time. Buoyed by the prayers and support of so many, but required to do it on our own. We may find that this isn’t the right choice for us. But we’ll never look back and wonder what if.

Oh happy day....

While everyone else in America celebrates Independence Day, Ryan and I celebrate our anniversary. This year it was our sixth anniversary. It seems like our wedding day was not that long ago, but yet it feels like we've been together forever.

We didn't make a really big deal out of our anniversary this year because we were still busy celebrating another special event......

the birth of our baby girl!

Hope Davis Voltin

Born June 30, 2010

10:34 am

7 lbs 1 oz 20 inches

We are all absolutely enchanted by her.

It isn't hard to see why!

Fifteen

"...when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out...

...well count to ten, take it in...

...This is life before you know who you're gonna be...

...Fifteen."

Backyard Summer Fun

How we beat the Texas heat...

Did you know?

Did you know that we spent New Year's at Disneyland with Ryan's sister, brother-in-law, and nieces?

Did you know that this year the Vail Veterans Program expanded to include families and we brought our kids to Vail to ski and play in the snow?

Did you know that sometimes you just gotta saddle up for Cowboy Breakfast at the child development center?

Did you know that some giraffes like to eat cookies?

Did you know that a girls only weekend with your best friend might have to become an annual tradition?

Did you know that you should always ask the vendor how much it costs to purchase two swirly light up wands at Disney on Ice? (Really. You should ask before you tell the kids yes.)

Did you know that it's hard to get three kids looking the same direction with smiles on Easter Sunday?

Did you know that Jaida received the sacrament of confirmation this year?

Did you know that Ryan got his prosthetic ears and they look so real that I forget they're fake?

Did you know that Ryan and I were invited to the Wounded Warrior Project's Courage Awards and benefit dinner in NYC? Both Trace Adkins and Bill O'Reilly received awards and we got to attend a taping of the O'Reilly Factor.

Did you know that Jaida attended her first formal dance this year and I think I had as much fun as she did picking out her outfit?

Did you know that Maya completed her Strong Beginnings Pre-K program and the graduation was almost too cute for words?

Did you know this is my attempt at catching you up on the main events of the last six months? We've been busy. It was this or nothing.

Agel cares

Ryan and I were interviewed last year by Agel. This is the video they produced.

Baby report

Warning: The post you are about to read contains the words placenta and uterine. If you feel this is TMI, do not continue reading!

Even though we haven't mentioned it in awhile, we really are having a baby. And we really are excited about it. Although many people wouldn't plan on having a fourth baby (certainly not a 4th c-section), we did. But we do plan on it being our last. As much as we love children and love having children, this is it for us. And while this pregnancy has been really good, it has had just enough worries that we are certain it's time for us to stop.

One major concern we had was the position of my placenta. It is low lying and anterior. For most people that is not a big deal, but because I've had 3 c-sections there were some added risks. One risk is that of placenta accreta, where the placenta attaches too deeply to the uterine wall. This can lead to lots of complications including premature delivery, hemorrhaging, and hysterectomy. The other thing we were worried about was the possibility of having to cut through the placenta to delivery the baby. Thankfully, at 28 weeks, an ultrasound confirmed that my placenta had moved up enough that it should no longer overlap my previous c-section scars and we are no longer concerned about those risks.

At present we are worried about my platelets. Apparently they are low. From what my doctor tells me, normal is about 150, dangerous is about 50, and at my last blood draw I was at 130. We are now monitoring my platelets every few weeks to see if they are dropping and how fast. If they continue to drop below what the anesthesiologist feels is safe (maybe around 100), I won't be able to have an epidural for my c-section. The risks of having an epidural with low platelets include blood clots in the spinal cord, which could result in paralysis. Not good. So for me that would mean having a baby under general anesthesia. Not ideal. Ryan wouldn't be allowed in the OR for delivery and I would go to sleep pregnant and wake up not pregnant. Weird. Also, because we don't know the sex of the baby, I would probably be the last to know, by the time I woke up from the anesthesia. While this isn't as unpleasant as placenta accreta, it is certainly not what I want. We won't know if I'm having an epidural or general anesthesia until the morning of delivery, currently scheduled for June 30th.

Since there isn't anything we can do about my platelets, other than pray, we needed to come up with a plan that we were both comfortable with in regards to finding out the sex of the baby. We are both kind of old fashioned and don't like to find out until that magical moment when the doctor holds the baby up and says, "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" We waited with our other kids and the moment did not disappoint. But if I am going to be sleeping through it and Ryan will be waiting in the waiting room, the moment seems a little less magical. But we didn't want to find out now, either, and then end up having everything go as planned and then already know what we're having. After much brainstorming, we decided to have a 3D ultrasound and have the technician determine the sex of the baby but not tell us. She printed a picture and sealed it in an envelope. If the morning of the c-section we find out that I have to have general anesthesia, we will ask for some private time together and open the envelope. If my platelets don't drop and we have an epidural, we won't know until they hold that baby up and we can see for ourselves. That's the plan. Ryan hid the envelope (because he doesn't trust me or Jaida) and we both signed the envelope along the seal so we will know if it has been tampered with. This is serious business!

Below are a few pictures to let you see how things are progressing. With less than six weeks to go, I'm feeling pretty good. Starting to get a little more tired, a little more clumsy, and definitely waddling more. But I'm trying to enjoy every moment, relish every kick, and memorize what it feels like to have a child inside of me. I know too well that it goes by too fast and the next six weeks will be over before I know it. I am very excited about meeting this little person, but I can wait. Even the waiting is a blessing.

Ultrasound at 20 weeks

24 weeks pregnant

32 weeks pregnant

Baby in 3D ultrasound at 33 weeks

Thoughts on blogging

It was recently pointed out to me that we are nearly 1/3 of the way through this year and I still haven't blogged. While I feel terrible about that, it wasn't a huge surprise. The longer I stay away from the blog, the harder it is to go back. And the more people nag me about it, the less I want to do it. But I've also been thinking a lot about the WAY that I've blogged for the last couple of years. The information that I've shared. The information I've held back. And the impression that I am giving my readers (the few that are left anyway...). I've been inspired recently to be more open and honest about my life and experiences in my blog. But I'm still scared and don't know if I can take the plunge completely. This post is an attempt. I want to own my blog and have it reflect me and our family more truly. But old habits are hard to break and I just don't know how much is too much or how much is just enough. I guess we'll see how this goes.

I know the reasons for my hesitation.

1. I don't want anyone to think we feel sorry for ourselves. That we are unhappy or, even worse: miserable. I don't want to sound like we cannot handle the circumstances we've found ourselves in.

2. There are aspects of injury and recovery that are uncomfortable, embarrassing, and sad. And while there is definitely such a thing as TMI (Too Much Information), who decides where that line is? There are things I find hilarious or interesting now that would probably have been objectionable 3 years ago.

3. Most importantly, since Ryan was first injured I have always done my very best to protect his dignity. Overnight he went from being a strong, independent, capable Marine, to a broken, vulnerable survivor. And while I knew that he would return to the strong, capable man that he is, I was always hesitant to allow anyone to see him at his weakest. I knew that he wouldn't want anyone's pity and I always wanted to give him as much control over his circumstances as I could. In the hospital that meant that if he was having a bad day, I would limit his visitors. Once he was outpatient, we learned to stay home if we didn't feel up to the attention (both positive and negative) that Ryan gets in public. And even now I won't publish this post without asking Ryan to read it first and make sure he's okay with everything I've written.

Sometimes I think that because I haven't shared our lives completely some people may have the impression that our lives are, dare I say it, glamorous??? I mean, sure, there's an occasional surgery in there. But when am I not blogging about us jetting off for some fabulous trip or shaking hands with politicians and celebrities. Right? If you read my blog you may think that all we do is television appearances and extreme sports. I mean, Ryan doesn't even REALLY have a normal job.... So maybe a little more honesty is in order.

Like the fact that after every surgery there is a certain amount of wound care that is necessary. Sometimes it's quick and easy. Other times it's tedious and odious. Right now it is the latter. We are two weeks out from Ryan's last laser procedure and wound care is a terrible, disgusting experience. It is very discouraging for both Ryan and I. It's such a setback when the day before surgery he was out in the yard tossing Jaida a football and jumping on the trampoline with Maya and Noah. And I was sitting back with my feet up while he was making dinner on the grill.... Now we are doing dressing changes and pain management and sanity checks. Ryan can't hold the kids and he can't hold me. He can't even sit on the couch without bleeding on it so he has to sit on a towel or sheet. And it's just sad to have your four-year-old ask you to pray with her before bed, but ask you please not to touch her.

And caregiving is hard. I don't ever like to complain to people who don't understand. Because I don't want you to think that I'm not thankful every moment that my husband is still here. I am. He is a miracle. I know how close I came to losing him and I would rather be a caregiver than a widow any day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for Ryan. I love him more than I can explain and would gladly trade places with him so he wouldn't ever have to suffer. But the truth is caregiving is VERY HARD. There were days that Ryan really wasn't himself and the right amount of pain could make anyone mean. There are days that even when you have nothing left to give, you have to keep giving. There are days that you don't have any idea how you're supposed to do what you are doing. There are days that you want to quit and run away. You give and give and give and give and forget to take care of yourself. And when you do finally take some time for yourself you feel guilty about it and forget that it is absolutely necessary for survival.

We have had some less than happy days around this joint. But we are generally positive people and often don't feel it is necessary to worry others with our "light and momentary troubles" (II Corinthians 4:16-18). We don't leave out the details because we want to appear to be super human or stronger or better than anyone else. We just mostly feel we have so much to be thankful for and we try to focus on that thankfulness.

So, I'm not going to stop blogging about the fun things we do or amazing experiences we have. I'm just going to try to include a little more reality when I'm feeling it, instead of sparing you the ugly details. Why now, you may ask? I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about it for awhile and I've been amazed at others who have so publicly shared their trials. They manage to tell you what they are going through without complaining or seeking pity and you leave feeling encouraged and better prepared to handle your own struggles. There is no mirage of perfection.

So....I AM going to finish my top ten and I have so much to tell you about 2010 so far. Baby updates, medical procedures, and funny things the kids do and say. Also, traveling we've done and television appearances too. This is our life. For better or worse.